


Do You Have a Mirror in Your Pocket?

by the_one_that_fell



Series: omgcp tumblr prompts [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 10:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10385070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_one_that_fell/pseuds/the_one_that_fell
Summary: “Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Zimmermann,” Bitty said, steeling himself for the Zimmermann Charm.As it turned out, the Zimmermann Charm was a goddamn myth.





	

**Author's Note:**

> from a prompt on tumblr: "Jack and terrible flirting. He doesn't know the effect it has on poor Bits"
> 
> unedited lol

Bitty should have known better than to investigate the strangled shouts coming from the kitchen, but he was procrastinating on a paper and had run out of excuses not to start working. It was probably just Ransom and Holster, who'd then beg Bitty to make them bagel bites — “You're the only one who can make them without burning them. You're an oven whisperer!” — and then at that point he'd feel obligated to stick around and listen to their antics while the bagel bites cooked. It was foolproof. 

Except, as it turned out, for the part where the shouting was mostly coming from Shitty. The entire Haus plus Lardo was crowded around the table, where Jack had at some point been trying to read. 

“It's not that weird,” Jack was protesting, glaring daggers at Holster. “Not everyone’s lives revolve around sex.” 

“But it's  _ Screw,” _ Ransom cried. “And you're sex on two legs. How have you  _ never _ hooked up with a Screw date in the entire time you’ve been at Samwell?”

Jack shrugged. “They’ve never seemed interested, and I’ve never pushed.” 

“ _ Bro _ ,” Holster said, shaking his head. “I’ve literally seen people in town double-take when you walk past.” 

“That ass alone is enough to get you laid for life, Jacques Laurent,” Shitty said with a sigh. “How have three different girls  _ not _ been interested? On a night dedicated to  _ screwing _ ?” 

Jack shrugged and caught Bitty’s eye, looking a bit helpless. Bitty hoped the burn in his cheeks wasn’t outwardly noticeable as he slipped further into the kitchen. 

“Maybe Jack’s game is so bad, even his ass can’t save him,” Ransom mused. “Kinda like you, Holtzy.” 

“Oh,  _ fuck off, Justin _ ,” Holster hissed. “I so too have game.” 

Bitty decided to take pity on Jack by pushing through the boys to get to the oven. “I’m sure Jack is a fantastic flirter,” he declared, pulling the last box of bagel bites from the freezer. Holster and Lardo were distracted by the new promise of food, but Ransom and Shitty still had their eyes on Jack. “Not everyone goes to Screw looking to hook up, boys.” 

“Bitty,” Shitty said, voice serious. “Eric.  _ I _ would hook up with Jack if he was my Screw date. The man is physically irresistible.  _ Clearly _ he’s got terrible game, otherwise he’d be in pussy heaven-  _ ow! _ ” 

Lardo had smacked the back of Shitty’s head and pointed to the Sin Bin. “Don’t ever say pussy heaven again, Shits, or I’ll dropkick your ass all the way back to Cambridge.” 

“Sorry, Lards,” Shitty grumbled, shoving a twenty into the bin. “Sorry, Jack.” 

“Y’all, just drop this,” Bitty said, lining up the bagel bites on a cookie sheet. Holster was hovering uncomfortably close over his shoulder, watching the frozen bagels with the intensity of a wolf watchings its prey. Bitty elbowed him gently in the stomach until he backed away, giving Bitty space to pop the cookie sheet into Betsy. “I’m sure Jack’s dates have had good reason not to sleep with him after Screw. He  _ is _ an intimidating fella…” 

“Camilla Collins is intimidated by  _ no man _ ,” Lardo said, jumping up to sit on the counter next to the oven. “It’s gotta be his flirting.” 

“Jack,” Shitty said, taking one of Jack’s hands. “Jack, flirt with me. Prove us wrong.” 

Jack rolled his eyes. “I’m not flirting with you, Shits.” 

“Can you only flirt with women?” Holster asked, eyes flicking to Lardo. “Is the moustache blocking your charm?” 

“I’m not flirting with Lardo, either,” Jack said with a sigh. 

“Is your type really that specific, man?” Ransom asked, stroking his chin and examining Jack like a mad, Canadian scientist. “Is it blondes? Camilla, Samantha, Katie…” 

“ _ Parse _ ,” Holster coughed, which sent him and Ransom into a fit of giggles. They stopped immediately at the glare Bitty sent them. 

“Bro,  _ I’m _ blonde,” Holster said, elbowing Shitty out of the way. “Flirt with  _ me _ . Woo me, Zimmermann,” he added, fluttering his eyelashes. 

“Not my type, Holtzy,” Jack said, trying valiantly to return to his reading. “You’re too tall.” 

For a second, the room was so still and silent Bitty could’ve heard a pin drop. Then everyone was making incomprehensible noises, and Bitty found himself all but carried over to the table by two large, idiotic D-Men. 

“Short, blonde — I mean, shit, Bits even kind of looks like Camilla,” Holster shouted, shoving Bitty into the chair next to Jack. “This is the closest you’re getting tonight, Jack, so  _ show us what you’ve got _ .” 

Bitty was going to murder all of them, and it was going to look like a  _ gosh darn accident _ . He was already planning how he would poison each and every one of them. Pie would be too obvious, but maybe Shitty’s beer… And Jack would totally help him bury the bodies. 

The look Jack was giving him was equal parts apologetic and resigned. “Let’s just get this over with,” he said, not unkindly, bumping his knee against Bitty’s. Bitty sighed and nodded and made grabby hands at Shitty until he relented and gave Bitty the beer he’d been drinking. Bitty chugged the remaining beer in one go and tossed the crushed up can at Ransom, who was closest to the recycle bin. 

“Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Zimmermann,” he said, steeling himself for the Zimmermann Charm. 

As it turned out, the Zimmermann Charm was a goddamn  _ myth _ . 

“So...you come here often?” Jack asked, leaning into Bitty’s space. “To the...kitchen?” 

Bitty tried not to laugh, he really did, but he couldn’t help the giggles that spilled from his mouth. “Oh, my gosh-  _ do I come to the kitchen often _ ?” 

“WEAK!” Holster shouted. Lardo booed from her perch on the counter. 

“Shut up,” Jack said mildly, giving Bitty a quick wink. Bitty’s heart sped up, and he knew his cheeks were probably bright pink by now. He waved his hand at Shitty until a new beer was pulled from behind his butter supply and shoved into his palm. Maybe if he drank enough he could blame the flush on the alcohol  _ and _ forget the mortification of this night, paper be damned. 

“C’mon, Jack, if you take this long between tries, it’s no wonder no girl’ll sleep with you,” Bitty chirped, hoping the warble in his voice could be construed as laughter, not nerves. 

Jack rolled his eyes. “Et tu, Bittle?” 

“You got two more shots to woo me. Don’t waste ‘em.” Bitty kicked lightly at Jack’s shin until Jack laughed and cleared his throat. The others cheered, waiting for attempt number two. 

“Did it hurt?” Jack asked, flashing Bitty a shy smile. 

Though he already knew where Jack was leading, Bitty couldn’t help but asked, “Did what hurt?” 

“ _ Lame _ ,” Shitty hissed, but Ransom covered his mouth so Jack could continue. 

“When you fell from heaven?” 

“ _ LAME!” _ Ransom shouted, uncovering Shitty’s mouth. “MEGA LAME!” 

“You’re killin’ me, Jack,” Holster sighed. “I really didn’t expect it to be this bad.” 

“Yeah, terrible,” Bitty said into his beer. But the pounding in his chest and the lightness in his head couldn’t be blamed on the alcohol, no matter how hard Bitty tried. Because the way Jack looked at him when he was flirting, the softness in his eyes and the half-smirk of his smile — well, they affected Bitty more than any smooth pickup line  _ could _ . 

Bitty chugged his beer, desperate to tamp down any and all feelings he was currently experiencing. It wasn’t healthy, to pine over a straight boy like this. 

“Are you even trying?” Lardo asked grumpily. The shit-eating grin Jack gave Bitty was answer enough. 

“Strike two,” Bitty said mildly, chucking his now-empty can at Shitty. Unlike Ransom, Shitty didn’t see it coming, and shrieked loudly as the can smacked his chest. “Surely you can do better than that.” 

Bitty should’ve known Jack would take that as a challenge. 

The room fell silent again as Jack leaned forward, lips brushing against Bitty’s ear. Quietly, so quietly that Bitty almost couldn’t hear, Jack whispered, “Help me win?” 

Bitty swallowed sharply and nodded, almost whimpering when Jack pulled away, eyes dancing with mischief. 

“Hey, will you hold something for me?” Jack asked suddenly. Bitty had a thousand and one dirty thoughts run through his head, so all he could do was nod and hold out his hand. “Great.”

And Jack slipped his hand into Bitty’s, standing and pulling Bitty up with him. “Night, guys,” he said casually, dragging Bitty from the kitchen. Bitty knew no amount of beer could be blamed for how red his face probably was right now, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care either. Jack Zimmermann was  _ holding his hand _ . 

Jack didn’t drop his hand as soon as they were out of the kitchen, either. He held onto Bitty as he pulled them up the stairs, and Bitty could only concentrate on how  _ big _ and  _ rough _ his hand was, how those callouses would feel trailing up his chest or down his back, or around his-

Bitty cut himself short before it became  _ even more obvious _ how  _ gone _ he was on Jack. 

“Thanks for playing along, Bittle,” Jack said as they reached his bedroom door. “The guys really love to give me shit for being a hockey robot, you know?” 

“They’re all too nosy for their own good,” Bitty agreed with a sigh. “It’s none of their business who you take home.” 

Jack shrugged. “They’re not entirely off base. I...it’s really been me who’s gotten in my own way.” 

Bitty cocked his head. “With your terrible flirting?” 

Jack shrugged. “I’m not...the best with people. And when it’s girls I don’t...I’m not great with women.” 

“Oh, honey, I’m sure that’s not true,” Bitty said, patting Jack’s arm. “You were just putting on a show in the kitchen, right? You’re not  _ that _ bad in real life...right?” 

“With women I am,” Jack said softly, giving a small, self-deprecating laugh. “With men, though...I like to think I’m a little bit smoother.” 

Bitty felt like he was about to have a heart attack. “W-What?” 

Jack reached out and cupped Bitty’s cheek in his hand, moving closer. “I have better luck with men. Usually. Unless you’re not interested- fuck, sorry, you’re not, you were just helping me out, Bittle, I’m sorry-”

Bitty pressed a finger to Jack’s lips, cutting him off. “Flirt with me, Jack,” he said softly. “And we’ll see how good you are with men.” 

Jack grinned and leaned down to whisper, “Do you have a map? Because I’m getting lost in your eyes.” 

“ _ Jack _ !” Bitty exclaimed, hitting his shoulder lightly. “Where are you even getting these? That was terrible.” 

Jack laughed, soft and deep, and Bitty felt his toes curl at the sound. “But is it working?” 

Two large hands settled on Bitty’s hips and his brain all but short-circuited. “Yeah,” he breathed, looking up into hopeful, blue eyes. “Yeah, it definitely is.” 

Jack ducked his head to pepper light kisses against Bitty’s neck, then whispered, “Know what my shirt is made out of? Boyfriend material.” 

“ _ Stop _ ,” Bitty laughed, stretching out his neck for Jack. The kisses became harder, lingering longer, hinting of tongue and teeth. “Jack…” 

“Hmm?” Jack pulled back a little, with such a stupid, goofy, beautiful smile that Bitty wanted to latch onto him and never let go. 

“I was feeling a bit off today,” Bitty began, taking a deep breath. “But you really turned me  _ on _ .” 

There was a pause, then Jack barked with laughter. “That was terrible,” he said. 

“But it worked,” Bitty retorted, raising an eyebrow. 

“Definitely,” Jack said. “You want...you wanna come in?” He asked, nodding at his door. 

“Finally,” Bitty sighed, pulling Jack down for a real, deep kiss. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on tumblr [here](http://eve-baird.tumblr.com/post/158633698792/kagenoha-replied-to-your-post-stuck-spending)


End file.
